Why Not Tonight

This writing is not one of my usual stories full of reverie. So, if that is what you are here to read, it is time for you to select another story. This is a serious reflection, the answer to an important question. Men continue to be perplexed as to why, when we ladies meet them and we like them, that we will not go home with them “tonight, right now”. Having a website that is dedicated “to love again”, and having a personal knowledge-base on this question, as a woman who has been asked it many times, and as one who knows so many others who have been asked this question, I decided to address the topic, especially since I have been asked this question, in all seriousness, once again.

Recently, a man in his forties, with complete sincerity in his eyes and voice, truly wanted to know why this is so, what the real scoop is for us ladies behind that age old question, why not tonight? My answer is lengthy but it cannot say enough, it is personal yet universal, emotional but still logical, flawed and flawless, all wrapped into one answer with many distinct parts. I offer my thoughts here with the hope that it can shed some light on this topic, even if it is only the smallest glimmer of understanding that can be measured, for those men who are interested in knowing what I think on the matter, as one woman who represents so many others who have been asked this same question.

If you are still reading this, the question was, why not tonight? The answers are these:

One part – biology – the timing of “when” is biologically driven, very primal, as is a man’s desire to have sex now. For women, sex also means “what might become” nine months later, the child that might join us inside our bodies from having sex. We must always seek what is best for the future, whether or not that might be the case, or the circumstances, or even a possibility. This drive and feeling is hardwired, as is men’s desire to procreate now, often, with many partners. To continue our species, men want sex, women build nests (homes), prepare for the future and for the tiny lives that will be under our care. In other words, we approach sex from two completely different viewpoints, at opposite ends of the spectrum. I believe this is the major difference between the sexes for all time and forever, and the crux of all the grief and torment that ensues.

One part – the act itself – the physicality is more personal for women. We take you into our bodies, literally inside of us, a tremendously vulnerable position, and we must trust that you will not hurt us physically. Generally, you men are so much stronger that you can do what you want, so a lot of trust is involved. So until you have built up that trust, it is going to be a problem, and it is probably going to take more than one night of getting to know you better before we are going to trust you that much.

One part – you are asking too much - it must be tonight, or only one night, means that you are asking only for sex. Sex does not happen in a test tube, but in bodies with brains, nervous systems, feelings, and our hearts. Emotion necessarily comes along with sex. It seems narcissistic and childish to us, when you demand instant gratification of all your wants and desires, without regard to any emotional impact that has on us. We are people not objects, and we are certainly not light switches that you can turn on and off with the flip of your wrist. But even the sharing of an object has its emotional aspects, what about a favorite car or sports memento, so you can see why sharing our bodies is that much more emotionally charged.

Women are a like a bag of gifts, and sex is only one of the gifts in the bag. When sex is the only gift that you want from us, you are discarding all of the rest of the qualities that make us special as individual ladies. We feel cheap and used – either immediately that next morning when you say farewell, or sometime later if you put us on the “delayed” plan so you don’t have to deal with us face-to-face and just never call us again.

One part – the judging and scoring – we are not the girls in the magazines or on the calendars. We have real bodies with lumps, bumps and scars. We wear mascara that runs and regular underwear, not those frilly things of your dreams. Could you hold up to such physical scrutiny? Probably not. I know what you are thinking, and, yes, women keep score of things too, but this writing is not about that.

One part – impaired thinking/vision. Most times these requests occur when people are out at a bar or a similar night spot and have been drinking adult beverages. What you think and feel under their influence may not be the same sentiment that you feel later without that “softening of the edges”. We all seem so beautiful with the help of that elixir, and also the low lighting of the evening, when we are meeting and initially engaging each other. We might look beautiful to you, but so does the girl next to us. Then comes the next day, passions spent, and now it is daylight when even more flaws are revealed than have been overnight. Knowing that this will happen, it feels best to wait until a future date so that time has a chance to work its sobering effect and allow the “normal” you to re-emerge. When you talk with us under your own direction, as well as see us in real lighting, and you still like us, perhaps we will feel “game” for your desires and we may decide to go along with you to share them.

One part – reputation. In general, men are seen in a good light for having many sexual partners and for having sex before marriage. Not so for women, the double-standard continues. If you don’t believe it, just think of any movie you’ve seen with a court scene where they are “interrogating” a woman who has been raped, or of your own banter amongst yourselves about women and sex. We are “damned” by society if we say yes, and “damned” by individual men if we say no to them, or even if we say yes to them. You will call us good girls or bad girls and you flip flop back and forth over which of those you want us to be. Somehow you want us to be both, mission impossible.

One part – the past. Those men who insist that lovemaking must be tonight, seem to also be the ones who just move along and that is that. Women learn it is so, and so we refrain. There are times when we have not been told the truth, and we have said “yes” under false pretenses, which derails our sense of self-worth. We are left feeling cheap and stupid, what a great combination. No woman wants to repeat such an experience. Sometimes it is hard for us to know who is who, a sociopathic liar sounds just like an honest man. Even when someone is honest with us, there are all of the rest of the reasons I’ve listed to be dealt with, so you can start to see the complexity of dealing with what originally appeared to be such a simple question.

One part – wisdom. We have always been told “to sleep on it” before making an important decision. It is the best advice that can be followed for some of the most important life-changing decisions that we will ever have to make, including career and financial decisions. How can any form of lovemaking not be of equal importance? Although there are exceptions, it will probably be the best decision to wait and “to sleep on it” and not to say yes to you tonight.

Do you get the feeling that it is just one conundrum after another for us? I hope so. I do not know that these “parts” are of equal quantities or what the “recipe” is for any given connection of any one man with any specific woman. It all varies, as it would in a culinary recipe. The quality of the ingredients, the experience of the cook, the consistent temperature of the oven, the known result with a particular bakeware, the altitude, all matter in the delicious nature of the final product. While some of the best recipes took years to develop, some were quick and easy, and some were pure accidents. Although we all love to experiment and discover new foods, we all love a “tried-and-true” tasty recipe, one that we can count on time after time, and we’ll find delight in that same recipe for years. If you don’t believe this is true, then you have truly never eaten a dessert or meal that is “to die for” and that you remember for all time, and go back to that same restaurant over and over again to savor its perfection, and you feel crushed if they ever take it off the menu. If a food recipe can create such a life-altering memory, what intensity should be expected when we are talking about love? Such is the nature of women and love and sex.

My dear men, these are probably not the answers that you wanted, for you can see there is no quick and easy way to counteract their validity, certainly not in time for “why not tonight”. Also, they do not seem to address making love before going off war, that is, what if there is no tomorrow? But if you believe in reincarnation, these explanations do answer that question, for it can never be about just “the now” or just “one night”, can it? Lessons will replay until we get them right. Who is to say for sure if this is the way it works, but it feels true to me, and I am the one answering the question.

I could have answered you more concisely, but then you would have missed the important nuances of the longer answer, and I believe you would be left still not understanding “why not tonight”. But, if short answers are what you want, then they would have to be these:

Men want sex to see if they want to date us, women date men to see if we want to have sex with them.
Men want sex, women want love, and that takes more than one night.

I hope my answers have truly shed some light on your question as to why we say no, not tonight, although they do not answer the opposite question: given all of these reasons, why do we ever say yes? That it an entirely different question and an even more seriously important story to tell, but it is one that is so personal that I do not think that I will ever share it . . . not tonight anyway . . . I will have to sleep on it.